AITA ??

If you want to plan a trip, you have to know what dates and how many people are going. That's not insensitive, that's logistics. Depending on how old she is, you can give her the dates and let her choose whether she wants to come or not. Talk about the date options and prices with your husband first. (He might be fine spending the extra $500 or whatever to go on Saturday rather than Thursday in case your sd wants a few extra days.) I bet she will choose Disneyland, but if not you'll both know she's where she wants to be.

@Bonny I’m sure she wants to go . But we’re limited to the time we get her which my husband has agreed to forfeit so that she doesn’t miss out on her moms side . But they won’t give me a date on when she’ll be here making it impossible to plan :(

In addition, that’s our only time we get her in Dec and her mom isn’t flexible with change . My husband doesn’t think she should have to choose so he lets her stay at her moms then feels we will celebrate with her when she comes over which is fine but I get upset that my experiences I want to give to them are overlooked . I know that not going to Disneyland isn’t going to harm anyone but I feel like it’s unfair . My daughters friends talk about going and I want to take her before the magic is gone . My husband thinks it’s completely wrong to go to Disneyland without his oldest . She’s gone multiple times (before my daughter was born)

I would have a conversation and say that you’re booking a trip to Disneyland for XX dates, and per the legal agreement SD is supposed to be there at that time; ask them to confirm that she’ll be with you on those dates and if she won’t then you take the trip with YOUR daughter. My SD has missed out on a few things over the past 6 years that my husband and I have been married but it’s because of her HC mom. We make every attempt to include my SD in every family plan, but her mom is largely unwilling to “give”, and makes things intentionally challenging. At the end of the day, it does suck for my SD, but it’s not my call to make. The only call I can control is the one regarding the children that I birthed - and I’m not going to have them miss out on experiences because my SD can’t make them sometimes.

@Susan I completely agree . I’m just stuck when my husband doesn’t agree . It’s forcing me to feel like a single mom and say “this is what I’m doing for our daughter then” . It’s really hard . I’ve tried to be patient and wait our turn but things haven’t changed and I don’t want to regret not doing things with my daughter …

So your husband doesn’t want to make plans or do things with just the 3 of you if your SD is not present? But also allows SD’s mom to decide whether or not she can come and goes along with it and expects you to sit and wait and force your own daughter to miss out on things?

Give him a deadline (I'm ordering 4 tickets for Dec x-x on Oct x, and book it. Make sure you can get credits to apply to a future trip if they decide not to go. Consider travelers insurance or going through a travel agent if it's a really big amount.

@Airianna basically ! And then it makes me look as if I don’t love sd if I’m not willing to wait it out . Every month is , idk when she’s coming or if she’s coming at all . That’s my gripe . I don’t mind waiting to do big things with her but how can I do that if they don’t stick to schedule ..

@Bonny I’ve tried that approach and since he doesn’t agree with it altogether he then says I can’t just take our child because we are a family . And then I say a family is considerate of everyone involved not just one child … there’s not give an take it’s always what’s convenient for sd and her mom

That’s completely inconsiderate and unfair to you and your baby. If they actually stuck to a schedule and you knew a timeframe of when you had to wait in order to schedule plans, it sounds like you would. If she’s supposed to be on a schedule where she’s with the two of you for the holiday, and you are trying to make special plans including her, how is it fair for him to blame you because HES not enforcing the schedule? That’s not right. You’re trying, you’re showing you love her, they’re keeping that away from her.

@Airianna I’ve tried to communicate all that and then they just tell me that my daughter has two parents present and that she doesn’t know what’s she’s missing (in reference to not going places such as Disneyland). His whole family has the same mindset . I feel like I’m going crazy

Babe I feel you. If I try to suggest planning something and ask when my partner is having his boy it’s ‘I don’t know yet’ .. why? Because everything is on the mums terms. Drives me nuts. So then you wait and wait and end up loosing out due to lack of tickets. I think you’ve just got to be more forceful - which is what I’ve started to do. ‘We’re doing this on this date, SD is invited too however if she can’t come then she can’t come’ why should your child have to miss out because the mum has plans and wants the child on that date. He’ll hopefully relate the message back to mum and get a definite answer. Just because your child gets both parents doesn’t mean we have to work our lives and plans around baby mum number 1. 🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️ no more hahaha

SD has two parents as well and should be able to spend time with and experience things with both. Sounds like they’re using that as an excuse to allow her to have control over your lives as well. If anything, SD is lucky enough to have multiple parents. Your daughter isn’t. Neither one of them should have to miss out on things because of the opposite parents schedule. If her mom knows about these events and doesn’t want to let her come, then that’s mom’s fault, not yours. Dad needs to understand that because he’s taking away these memories and experiences from the daughter you all have together. Whether she’s too young or not, you will still remember and she can still have keepsakes from these moments. She deserves them as well.

I’ve had a situation like this recently where after 6 months of not letting my stepson come around, i posted pictures of me and my two girls and my bf out at the pumpkin farm. And she had the nerve to complain about her son being left out, even complained to his family about it, even though it was supposed to be his weekend with us, and she didn’t allow him to come. Which was HER fault, not mine. I wanted him to be there just as much as my girls, but i have no control over her actions. And my girls weren’t gonna miss out just because she didn’t let him be there. So manipulative.

@Hollie yea that’s how things have been where we’re constantly waiting then we end up doing nothing . Nobody seems to understand my points .. and i keep saying it’s easy for others to bash me when they’re not in my shoes ..

@Airianna that’s exactly it . Manipulation. I’ve tried to do everything to include sd but she’s the one manipulating sd to stay with her on our time . She does it for control . Then guilt trips sd if she comes over . If we do anything without sd she guilt trips us . I’m so over it