i finally broke down.

it’s 12:02am and i have finally broke down. my little is 4.5 months old. he’s such a great baby. i mean never cries, always smiling, no colick, loves baths, hates his stroller lol, loves to be worn, just a great baby. my best friend truly. i don’t think i would be so okay most of the time if he wasn’t so great. im a SAHM. i love it i do. this regression is just beating my ass. my partner is just no help. i mean he works full time , more like all the time. an entrepreneur. so from home, out of his office, out of other companies offices. it’s constant. he hasn’t changed a diaper since the baby was born really. he hasn’t done much of anything since the baby was born. the baby is exclusively breastfed. he used to get one bottle, maybe two a day from dad(pumped milk).. in the very beginning. wasn’t sustainable apparently bc my partner would be gone whole days. before we woke up to after we had already went to bed (baby and i cosleep.) my partner moved out of the bedroom to our living room bc he felt like he could «  relax » and «  sleep better » bc he wasn’t worried about waking baby with his snoring or whatever. he sleeps. i don’t. cosleeping helps a bit but not completely. sometimes i can settle baby with boob. recently it’s been baby wearing to rock baby back to sleep bc he’s just so god damn heavy i can’t do it anymore without. my partner never had woken to change a diaper. to maybe offer a bottle. to bounce back to sleep. nothing. i have to wake if i want the help and then he didn’t even do anything right. it feels like weaponized incompetence. i tell him exactly how the baby likes to be bounced he just doesnt do it. doesnt stick to a rhythm. idk. im ranting. it’s a stream of consciousness. he supports in every other way out side of the baby though. kind of. food? definitely. will always buy me food no doubt. anything i want for the house or need ? bought. will fix things around the place ? no problem. he didn’t clean or do chores unless i ask. i have to be explicit too, give him instructions ?? like he can’t just see the dishwasher needs to be emptied, or folded laundry put away, or rotate laundry from wash to dry, clean the bathroom etc. he always claims he didn’t have time.. bc work is so consuming. im just exhausted. the baby has been going to bed at 5:45p-6p since the time change. waking at 9/10p. struggling to go back to sleep for an hour or two. i just tonight i broke. i feel so alone. i’m so lonely. my partner doesn’t get it. i bring it up and he gets mad im not praising him for everything else. everything i have to tell him to do. i just idk. he wants another and i did too. but it’s too difficult alone. i’m breaking down. i had the worst food poisoning of my life two days ago and im still recovering. i never got a break. he couldn’t take baby and not be working. he let the baby cry. i had to suck it up and take baby. try to watch movies with him. baby doesnt care about the movies man. im entertaining baby. i’m sick. i still don’t feel good. no support. i just.. idk. idk. im not doing well. i love my baby so much. im falling out with my partner. i just can’t take it anymore. im always repeating myself. i just. idk. im sad. forgot to mention i have no family. my friends fell off when i got pregnant. even more so now that baby is out. it’s like no one can make time for me. my partner didn’t listen when i tell him im just not doing well. food poisoning really did it to me. i want so sad until that and i realized i don’t even have him to depend on. he couldn’t even take care of nanny for s few moments. like what the hell. man. i have no one but baby. it’s just me and baby. and while that may be ok. it’s so hard rn. if you made it this far— thanks.