Struggling with my partner

Sorry if this is more of a vent than a question but I’m constantly feeling like I’m bickering with my partner. We had our second baby in April 24, and feels like he is so loving and kind with our youngest but is always telling off or moaning about our 4 year old girl. I’m pointing it out that he needs to try a little harder and be more patient but he doesn’t agree and think she’s being babied by me. He believes in tough love and i agree in a softer approach. It breaks my heart as to me she’s wanting little more attention now she’s sharing us. I just don’t know what to do, if I say anything or give him a look then he tells me I’m butting in or interfering with his parenting or judging him. I just find it hard not to when i see him upset her or threat to take away her toys if she’s naughty as I never do that. She isn’t a naughty child at all so I hate seeing her being punished for something little or due to his lack of patience. :-(

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There’s lots of material online from psychologists about how to help children adjust to new siblings - lots of it revolves around giving the older child special quality time and attention where possible and also allow them to still feel like a baby sometimes when they want to. Maybe send him some of that material? It sounds like your hubby is struggling to adjust to life with 2 kids

Hey this can be really difficult and I fully sympathise with you as this is something we struggled with to as a couple. My partner is very authoritarian whereas I’m more a gentle parent and that’s ok. I have no solutions other than try to come to an agreement with boundaries, it’s hard especially if you’ve both have completely different upbringings etc. sometimes men don’t get it xx

You guys need to have a united front. You can’t frown at him while he’s parenting her and vice versa. She will interpret it in a way that won’t be beneficial later on. You can do it behind closed doors and figure out how you want to parent her. United front always in my opinion

@Polina yes i agree, it’s almost like a trigger to me when i hear him lose it. I try hard not to interfere but think that’s when I start to pull faces. It’s almost good cop bad cop and find myself always being left to pick up the pieces as she comes crying to me. He has got better in comforting her when she’s upset but he doesn’t agree with it. More so to please me rather than to support her.

@Genevieve thank you, will take a look, anything that can help with not go a miss x

This is a tough one bcos it doesn’t get spoken about enough before couples have children. I think you guys need to sit down and have a proper conversation regarding how you want to raise and discipline your kids. I’m more of a tough love parent as its how I was brought up and understand the need of rules and boundaries. If there’s a disagreement then you need to both sit down and find a way to compromise so there is no resentment built from either side and the children see that you are both on the same team. Children are very smart and easily pick up on the “light parent” (the one who is more easy going) and will use it for their advantage. I don’t believe in the term “naughty” as children are children and there needs to be more of an understanding that they don’t know as much as we do but in order for them to know, there needs to be discipline in the home. Good luck.