Do I have a right to be annoyed?

I would definitely be annoyed. For one, couldn’t he have just given the 15 year old some money to go and buy her own leggings? And secondly, Santa’s Grotto is unlikely to take the whole day up so why can’t he go with you and your daughter together and then see her afterwards? If she doesn’t want to go to “Santa crap” can’t she stay at home whilst you both go? There are other ways of going about it without dedicating his whole time to revolve around his first daughter. X

So he would have to take her to town as it’s a 20 minute drive and she lives an hour away from us (she moved as she got excluded from her school near here so her mum moved her away) so when she’s here he makes the most of the time and basically whatever they do tends to be like bowling, cinema, shopping so usually gone majority of the day. I booked the grotto for 3pm as she’s a typical teen and we’re lucky to see her before 11am. It’s only a 15 minute slot with a walk through of lights nothing spectacular but I just keep thinking I will be getting a photo with Santa and how she will feel when she sees her dad wasn’t in them. She won’t know now but she will when she’s older x

Sounds like he’s definitely prioritising his other daughter, I would be upset, I’m sure the Santas grotto won’t take to long and then he can go hang out with his other daughter? She sounds a bit like everything has to revolve around her and dad should be putting her in her place at least some of the time to say ‘well this is what we’re doing, you’re welcome to join, we can go out for dinner afterwards’

Yeah that would upset me too. Has your stepdaughter bonded with your baby? It sounds like they haven’t, because why can’t she be excited to go with her sibling?

Yeh the problem I also have is he actually spends no quality time with our LO this has become a bit of an issue me I get over but because she goes to sleep about 7 he gets in from work and usually sits on his phone to people so I tend to bath and put her in bed. Then weekends when he doesn’t have his eldest he sometimes works or he spends it sleeping a lot. I just assumed things like this he would make the effort. I get he works all week but it doesn’t stop you being a parent. I keep hearing he was really hands on with his eldest I’ve been around since she was 6 and he’s always been great with her otherwise if I’d seen him in this light I probably wouldn’t have chosen to have kids with him. That’s one of the qualities I loved about him.

@Ayesha she definitely loves being around her and does play with her. She’s the first one she goes to when she gets up but she also soon gets bored which I also get. I personally don’t think she gets her dad has another kid now as she’s been the only child her whole life. Her mum never had anymore either. They were both young when they had her. I just think it’s more on my husband to actually make a point but then at the same time I feel like he doesn’t actually want to do these things so it’s a good excuse for him.

She is being manipulative he needs to speak to her mum and they need to plan. He maybe needs to set some boundaries that she has some set time either him and then other flexible times but that she needs to bond with her new sister

Tbh my partner didn't give a crap about taking our then 2 month old to see santa. I think some men are not as sentimental and if you weren't with him when the 15 year old was 0 maybe you can't be sure whether he really did all those "firsts" with her or he let her mum do some of those. Or maybe he was there but didn't care. Anyway I'm sorry you're hurting and not feeling prioritised. Please still go and enjoy with baby! Normally dad isn't on the photo anyway it's either just the child and santa, or if child is too small to sit by themselves then mum holding child

@Louise unfortunately he doesn’t have a good relationship with the mum anymore. It broke down mostly during Covid she actually stopped her coming to our wedding because it wasn’t his weekend.

Yes I would be too. It’s a normal part of being a sibling to sometimes do stuff you don’t love that your sibling likes. She’s had 15yrs of not having to make any compromises so sounds like she’s not used to it yet. The santas grotto can easily be a part of a bigger family ‘Christmas family day’. I think your husband is being unreasonable. If it causes a huge fuss can’t she just stay home for the morning? Most 15yo would be fine to do this 🤷🏽‍♀️

I don’t know if he’s being the AH as suchhh as he’s obviously worried about his relationship with his daughter but SHE definitely is. She needs to stop being selfish and look to do things as a family. There’s probably a lot of jealousy going on and unfortunately only he will be able to have that conversation with her as if you try you’ll look like the villain. Also him not making an effort with your little one is inexcusable you are definitely in your right to have a serious conversation to tell him to prioritise things as a family rather than settling for dividing into he and her and you and little one and also to step up more and make memories with your little one! - Also Alex has a point my man is lovely but not sentimental about that kind of stuff either

@Alex yeh I get that. He definitely did all her firsts there’s lots of photos he actually took her to see Santa before her mum did as they weren’t actually together when she was born she was only a month old but he has all the photos. I’m told by his mum and sister how he’s been different with our LO but then I guess he had no choice as he wasn’t with the mum they split up before she found out she was pregnant. He’s not actually on the birth certificate either which he went to court about but it cost too much as they wanted to do DNA testing as her mum wouldn’t put him on which was then another court case.

@Sorrel yeh I do kinda wish I’d booked the morning now but I thought 3pm would be a good time as I really was hoping she would want to be included and she doesn’t like getting up early 😅. So thought after LOs nap then we could get dinner after. We are going to see my stepdaughter Sunday to take her out for her birthday so will see how she actually feels it might be a case I’m overreacting and when she’s with her sister she might change her mind. I won’t force anyone to so anything they don’t want to I will just go just us two just feel sad for my LO. I spoke to my mum about it and I think I struggle with him not being as involved because I did have both parents who were very much involved in my life wouldn’t miss anything and my husband didn’t really have that so I think maybe that’s why I struggle and feel guilty. Either way I’ll make sure our LO doesn’t miss out she will be 11 months and she does get excited about things maybe not knowing what’s actually going on but I won’t forget

Ur definitely not reacting I would turn round and say 2 his other daughter well I’m sorry but it’s already booked now and we are going u either come or u don’t 🙄 he needs 2 think about his younger daughter aswell now so what if she won’t remember like u say u will remember and it will hurt and it’s not something u would beable 2 forgive them both for x

This is so sad :( Sounds like 15yr old may be wanting to cause this divide- maybe normal teenage acting out/ resentment of new baby or something and your partner is allowing her to do it. She should have been told that you were going to the grotto and that she was welcome to come and that dad would love to see her but if she didn't want to then she would have to stay with her mum or see her afterwards etc Literally anything other than drop you and baby. 15yr old needs to understand that the world doesn't revolve around her and this needs to be enforced by her dad.

i pressed the wrong one! he’s def being an AH. my boyfriend currently does this thing where he’ll wanna be more hands off with OUR son “because he already had kids and triplets the first time”

That’s the only thing about having kids with people that already have kids. That first time spark isn’t there! Because all kids are suppose to be special but everybody knows it’s something about that first time with everything! So I would feel a way to because wtf do you mean sir? And she is 15 she can sacrifice a couple hours for her little sister and stfu 😭 these are our biological kids and we are forcing them to have fun at winter wonderland for their baby sister this year because why tf not and it’s what I want to do so we are doing it lol! Put your foot down mama!

G

Teenagers can be such horrible, inconsiderate arseholes sometimes (i have a teen). If I was her dad, I'd tell her that you already have plans to go to the grotto, and it's only 15mins so she can fucking suck it up and stop acting like a selfish brat! There's no reason why you can't spend the day as a family and do something for her before the grotto

@Sydney how do you get this from wanting to do firsts with the new baby…I definitely love her I have the 9 years I’ve been in her life. I actually think it’s more on my husband because he’s allowing it she never said they’d go do something just them she just said she didn’t want to do this Santa crap. He’s the one suggested that they’ll go do something else whilst I go on my own. I do agree she manipulates the situation a bit but that’s because she’s been so used to being the only one AND because that’s what a lot of kids do my niece was exactly the same but my brother put his foot down that she had a sibling now.

I should probably add that I’m actually pregnant again and there will be another baby next year. So I think I worry about having to do everything on my own.

Do you think he's worried about her more than you are in this scenario? Like it sounds like she's already had it pretty rough, broken family, parents arguing and going to court, being kicked out of school so there are clearly issues there already. Yes teenagers can be pretty horrible when they want to be but maybe she needs some stability from your side and not have you just feeling like it's you against her. You're the adult. She's a kid. I don't think you'd be the villain if you talk to her about this big life change for you all if you do it in the right way, perhaps together? You care about her right? You're not going to push her out right? She probably needs to hear it.

@Ally100% which is what it should be I’m not the priority at all and I’ve known that from the day we got together she will always be but now we have our LO she should also be. I don’t ask for alot and always push for them to spend time together as I know she’s been through stuff but I also don’t want to feel like our LO isn’t getting any attention. We may all live together but I honestly can’t remember the last time he actually interacted with her except a quick kiss when he first comes in from work. I’ve accepted he isn’t a hands on dad would still love to make memories as a family. We are going out Sunday altogether for my stepdaughters birthday and we do always have a good time together it just seems I can’t plan anything unless I’m prepared to just do it on my own.

She did also get a bit funny when I got pregnant (her mum made a comment that we won’t want her now we’re having a girl of our own) I made her a ‘big sister’ hamper with her favourite things and I did get her a card which I wrote how our LO is going to need her big sister etc and I think that helped. However she will struggle to realise she’s technically not an only child now on her dad’s side anyways. She’s had 14 years not worrying about that. I guess we will see I think I just needed to vent a little. I know my LO will always be my priority and when her sister arrives she will too. As long as they’re happy that’s all that matters.

Neither my stepson (14yr) nor my husband wanted to do trick or treating this year. We didn't go last year because of this. My toddler son is 2.5yrs old. I forced them both to go with us this year and told them they WILL be positive about it for his sake. I explained to my stepson that we took him when he was little every year, even though we didn't always want to go, but we never showed that to him so he can do the same for his brother. I felt comfortable doing this as I've been with my husband since his oldest was 3. The teenage boy was miserable, but idc because we did still go out as a family, and his little brother had a great time. Btw I am also pregnant (due Dec. 9th) and I refuse to let either of them spoil any holidays. Idc how miserable they are inside. We're a family and holidays are important to me. We NEVER missed one for my stepson, and we will NOT miss any ever again because his siblings deserve the same. Tell your husband how you truly feel!!!

Yeh I think that’s the issue with me holidays have always been a big thing with my family. Always a family thing. So being with someone who isn’t fussed has become quite difficult more so since having our LO. I’d never really noticed it. I always did everything with my stepdaughter went to Santa with her up until she didn’t believe, birthdays always make sure she feels special and tried to make it sentimental. My husband has never been like that he finds it easier to just give money 🙈. Which is sure she mostly wants now. We’ve never actually had a Christmas with her and my husband does ask each year but she wants to be with her mum so we tend to have another Christmas Boxing Day with her. I’ve even thought about maybe cancelling actual Christmas Day and having it Boxing Day this year instead but there’s no guarantee she will come Boxing Day 🫣.

He is wrong, although the matter (seeing Santa) might not be that important, it is the principle that counts. Once he makes a plan with you he needs to stick to it apart from real emergencies. It is a matter of basic respect and not taking you for granted.

Shes 15… if he says thats what ya doing she needs to jump on the wagon and after do what she wants. You need to speak to him about how you are feeling… tell him the baby wont remember but you will and it meant something for you.

I think the problem here is not only the Santa thing. He seems to not be a responsible parents to your new baby. Did he want to be a dad again? Two friends of mine had babies with older men who already had kids from previous relationship (now teenagers). And they are both absolutely not interested parenting their new babies. One of my friend told me she was pretty sure her partner didn't want to be a dad anymore but didn't say it for the sake of their relationship... Not saying it is you, but that may be what's happening here.

@Aurélie this is so true. I know a couple where the dad has adult children and they now have a toddler and it's like he has been there/ done and he doesn't parent the child at all...just does his own thing 🤦🏼‍♀️ I really don't get why they agree to having another one. If I had older children I wouldn't be bothered either- maybe as they're in a relationship and have it good and get away with the dad title without putting in the effort

It definitely sounds like he's prioritising his eldest but i also don't think men are sentimental about these things. My husband didn't come the first year with us to see Father Christmas, I was a bit bothered but we still had a nice time. This is our son's 4th Christmas and he's come with us twice, I'm making him this year because my whole family is going. If it's important to you, he should be there

I usually side with the step children on these posts and I’ll admit I didn’t read everything in the comments but based on your original post I 100% agree with you. First of all she’s still a child and this is a family activity she needs to partake in. I sat through plenty of family photos, activities, etc that I didn’t love as a teen but looking back I’m so thankful for. There are plenty of things they can do together at a different time, but I would make this a non negotiable. Step daughter or not your husband isn’t parenting as a unit. Good luck and happy holidays I hope you get to enjoy these special moments with your family.

Yeh he wanted to be a dad it was more him he wanted a proper chance to be a dad although he sees his 15 yo it’s never been straight forward. He has never been on the birth certificate and quite often he would get blocked. It’s always been that way but would never be longer than 2 weeks till covid then there was a massive relationship breakdown with the mum. He couldn’t do anything he turned up at the house and police were called then given a warning for breaking covid rules because he has no parental rights. It wasn’t an easy process us getting pregnant we actually had failed IVF. We got pregnant naturally in the end but it was definitely a shock as I’d come to terms I wouldn’t have my own. They had my stepdaughter when they were both young at 18. So I wouldn’t say he’s old 😅 he’s only 2 years older than me. Some ways I think he feels guilty and also other ways worries about having a bond with our baby and me turning out exactly the same.

That’s kinda ridiculous, like the 15 year old is obviously trying to push her weight around and push boundaries etc and he’s just allowing it. He needs to tell her that she has a sibling now too and needs to do things with the LO. Work on the relationship between eldest and youngest. Idk that’s just my opinion I would be super irritated about it too cuz I’d wanna take family pics etc.

@Allison I wouldn’t even say it’s the step daughter yes she’s probably manipulating a bit BUT that’s because she can I think if her dad compromised the situation rather than just cancelling the idea then I don’t think she would do it. I love being around her she’s so funny. She’s just a typical teen. I was probably the same except my parents were still together!

She sounds like a brat! I would make it very clear that your child is his child too and he needs to stop enabling her behaviour at 15 years old she knows exactly what she’s doing and needs a good stern word or two spoken to her And I hate the whole they won’t remember it? I’m like so? I will xxxx

Sounds like she's trying to be in control and probably a bit of jealousy too. He can see his daughter after santas grotto and split the day maybe? I would be upset too.

I would be mad. What about their sibling relationship does he not care? It’s about family? It isn’t her over there and yall over here.

Man idk kids are teens I get that I don’t think she’s doing it maliciously it’s your partner that has to be like I get u don’t want to see Santa but you’re a big sister now and have a little sister who’s mom wants to take BOTH of yalll because it would be great to have that memory or photo since you don’t live here primarily

You do seem to be overreacting in this. The baby is young and he doesn’t see his daughter often. It also seems like there may already be tensions as you say you’re finally a mom but you’ve been in her life for 9 years…

I’ve always said I’ll never be her mum just another support she has her mum so yes this is my first time being a mum. She at one point would say I wish you were my mum which I know would have hurt her mum so would always let her know although I’m not I’ll always be here if she needs anything. As I’ve also said it’s my husband that’s wrong not her. I would have probably said similar things at 15. Anyways she actually messaged saying she had a look at the place that was mentioned and it has a light display she thinks her sister would love so could we do that too. So she is now coming without the need of me to say anything anyways 🤷🏻‍♀️ so I was upset for no reason I guess.

Girl I was gonna comment if you aren’t a step parent they don’t know no better. I wouldn’t waste my time. Some ladies got what your were trying to say 🫶🏽 and see typical kid shit lol I think still valid she’s just a kid tho and she loves yall I bet so of course she took initiative 😆👏

@Daija being a step parent is NOT being a mum. You can love your step child and look after them for years but having your own child is entirely different, I don't care what anyone says.

@Peer95 sweet because I couldn’t 🤭 Bahahaha but it’s true I didn’t think it was until I had my son

@H I had a child before SD came along so immediately knew the difference...then had my second child and again, totally different. People are lying when they say they love them the exact same- you just don't and that's okay IMO x

Step parenting is tough and yes they're going to annoy you more than your own child would for sure. OP you seem a brilliant step parent tbh, that girl is lucky

@Peer95 I just want to say that just because YOU don't love your stepchild as much as your bio doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Or the fact that your stepchild annoys you more. This sounds like your own issues. I have been a mom since before I had my own bio child. I have been raising my stepson since he was 3. We had his little brother when he was 11, and now that baby is almost 3. They are both MY children.They annoy me equally sometimes. I love them just as much. I take care of them the same. I would do anything for either of them, and I have. So it's okay to have your own opinion about how you feel towards your kids and one you obviously don't consider yours, but don't say "everyone's lying" because YOU DON'T KNOW. That's you not everyone.

@Annie That's wonderful, I'm glad you have it easy 😂