Really struggle with my mum

I've had a message this morning "Please can you let me know when I can see you?" ....which might seem harmless, but it really gets my back up because I know her tone, and it's like this entitled/offended demand rather than saying something like "I'd love to see you, is there a good time this weekend?" Or god forbid she says hello, or asks how I am, or has any sort of conversation before making her demand. Although to be honest even if she did it would be stiff and uncomfortable because she doesn't actually care, she's just wants what she wants which is to see "me" (my daughter, actually). She's sent this because I didn't reply to her last message earlier in the week. I didn't reply to her last message because I'm out of bandwidth and don't want to be messaging people, I feel like I don't have the time/headspace for it - I've been quiet with everyone recently, it happens a lot, I just don't like messaging very much. But I don't have a good relationship with my mum and honestly engaging with her stresses me out, so I really don't need it right now. I feel so overwhelmed with things at the moment, I have a to do list as long as my arm... I've got lists of lists going on in my notes app, y'know when your mind is just so full, it's all a jumble? Now on top of that I've got this knot in my stomach knowing there's this message I'm supposed to respond to, that I desperately don't want to respond to, and the real answer is... no. No I don't want to see you. I want you to leave me alone. I know this must sound so harsh and so alien to so many of you. I know this isn't a normal mother-daughter relationship. I understand people will tell me I only get one mum and I should work on things with her while I still can, and that she's just my mum and loves me and I should cut her some slack. It complicated and there's a lot of history to it, but the fact is I get an actual physical discomfort in my stomach and chest when she interacts with me, that's just the reality of it and I don't know what to do about it.

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I think the question is, is she a good Nana to your daughter? If not then maybe cut her off? Some people don't have good relationships with their parents but that shouldn't jeopardize her relationship with your daughter. Can you take your daughter to her? Or arrange something where she comes to pick her up? Can she come to your house and you leave to different room or go for a walk? Personally I have a good relationship with my mother, I mean there has been times where her comments have rubbed me up the wrong way but I let it go over my head because life is too short. Maybe you could try rekindling your relationship with her? Have a sit down and talk about how you feel, she's your mother she will understand and if she doesn't then that's a her problem.

Hi Love, bless your heart. Relationships between mothers and daughters can be very tricky, it’s more common than you can imagine. Honestly, I’ll advise you can just respond “Ok, I will” to the message and let it be. You don’t have to see who you don’t want to see, especially if it’s really hurting you. You have to prioritise yourself, I know that sounds selfish, but with what you’ve described it’s the best possible thing to do. Also remember you have a beautiful daughter who needs you to be a 100% so you can have a build a better relationship with her. I’ve come to realise our parents could only give us as good as they could give, doesn’t always mean it’s the best. Probably your mum didn’t also have a great relationship with her mom, just a thought. When you feel OK to meet, you can meet. You have lots of things to do and you’re not in the headspace to meet, so just do YOU and take care of yourself first. Sending lots of love xx

I think you know exactly what you should do. ‘Sorry I’m a bit busy, will let you know when I’m free’ And if the gut feelings you have are correct, she will unleash a wrath of guilt tripping, shaming and blaming, which should enforce that your decision is right. You can either force yourself into a shitty situation where you people please her, or you can put up with the discomfort of choosing your own sanity.

I finally blocked my mother in April 2 weeks before my wedding, not sure she even knows if I’m married and I’m now ttc and she will not be seeing any baby I end up having. I’ve never felt such peace since going no contact. Your case may not be so severe/need such severe measures but don’t let people tell you how you only get one mum etc etc in order to guilt you to be around people that hurt you, do you want to spend the next 40/50 years like this?

I feel like it's so complicated. Is it enough to cut her off? Probably not, at least not until I have talked to her about the way I feel and given her an opportunity to address why things are the way they are, realise her mistakes etc., but the emotional energy it will take to do that makes me freeze and I can't face it right now. That's why I keep pushing it all under the carpet and keeping up appearances (just about). She must know deep down but I expect she's hiding from it as well. As for whether she's a good grandmother, not really. That is probably my fault because I haven't actively welcomed or involved her, because of all of this ^

Then just take a back seat from it for a while. Don't answer messages, tell her you don't wanna see her..and when you are ready to speak to her you'll know. Keep your chin up Hun, it's not worth stressing yourself over it.

But no, she doesn't have a great relationship with my daughter though she wouldn't like to admit it, she doesn't really know her and has never been properly involved, just swings by for an hour every few weeks or so and plays some games but even that feels stiff and unnatural. I don't feel comfortable leaving them unsupervised because of the way she parented me when I was little. I know that the grandparent relationship is often very different and it probably isn't something I need to be overly concerned about, but whilst she still hasn't acknowledged or repaired with me, I almost feel as though she just doesn't deserve the opportunity to redo things with my daughter and use her as a second chance. She needs to put the work in with me first, is that unfair?

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