Update on: am I overly cautious or is my husband being difficult

I literally clip my little one into his bouncer if I am just going to the kitchen (2 feet away) to get my cup off the counter. My husband and I are big on this because things can happen in 2 seconds/one footstep

Just realised I posted the original in a different group, oops

@Sarah yes, me too! Thank you for saying that! Whenever I see him across the room and her in the bouncer without her straps my heart stops for a moment. I just don't understand why he isn't taking it for what it is, a safety issue, not an attack on him...

I think part of it for me is that I'm a SAHM and see how her skills are progressing. I could tell she was showing signs of rolling and getting more squirmy. She was always tired when my husband got off work so he didn't see her moving as much. My husband responded better when the pediatrician told him. I think he thought I was being overprotective. Then the pediatrician said not to leave her unattended on the diaper table and you should have seen his face. It was like, oops I guess you are right. And a few days later she rolled on her side when he was actively trying to change her and her leg and arm went over. He definitely is more careful now... still not as careful as me though.

My husband and I are huge on not leaving baby unattended (even for a moment) on a surface. It takes only one time for something to go wrong that could change your baby’s quality of life forever. Of course something is unlikely to happen, but for me the potential consequence of it did is too great to risk. Also, there’s so many stories of babies rolling their first time when their caregiver isn’t present and rolling off a surface bc of it. And the two times mine has rolled (on the ground) have been during the 30 seconds I was in another room so that’s another reason for me to not take the chance.

Honestly this isn’t a ”mistake” if it’s a repeated pattern. I don’t know how old your baby is but it doesn’t matter, all it takes is a second. Have a search for “baby fell off bed” on here and see how often/quickly it can happen. It does happen and we all feel awful when it does. But not taking those preventative measures especially from a height is just stupid - considering this is a reoccurring pattern you are having to deal with. I turned my back for 2 seconds to answer the front door when my little one was 7m - he was playing in the open lounge room right next to the door - I turned back around and he’d managed to use our Christmas tree box to pull himself to stand. No he wasn’t hurt, he’d never pulled to stand before & even though it was 110% safe for him in this lounge and on the floor, im using this example to highlight how quickly babies can do things whether we think they can or not.

@Kelsey I told him that even our HV cautioned me as she saw lots of babies in A&E due to falls like that. He's still not listening, maybe because he didn't hear it from her directly. So frustrating though if you need another person telling them because they don't listen to you...

@Tieta I totally agree. And she's at this age now where she might start rolling any moment. And she wiggles around like crazy...

@Sharnee thank you for saying that. I don't understand his logic of wanting me to keep reminding him. I just don't understand why he didn't just say something like 'thanks for letting me know, won't happen again' the first time I pointed it out. I'd never find excuses why I left my daughter in an unsafe position. She's 4 months btw

The same little I mentioned that was pulling to stand, he was rolling both ways at 4m. Is it possible you can get your GP/HV whoever from a medical/professional background to highlight the dangers and paint it out for him? Considering he hasn’t been the most receptive to you talking to him about it as the above ladies have mentioned maybe coming from a “safe 3rd party professional setting” he might just actually realise how important babies safety is and that you aren’t just being over protective.

@Sharnee yeah, I'll ask my HV to talk to him about it next time she comes around. Thank you!

Having him read some stories or watch a video or tik tok of some people’s stories could be helpful too.

You should only have to tell him once. After that, he should be strapping her in every time & not leaving her high up on a changing mat.

@Rachel I agree, I don't understand why it's not sinking in

I would tell him that while he's not listening to you & taking in what you are saying to him, you will not be leaving him on his own with her.

I'm big on never leave the baby unsupervised! Especially if someone can't tell where is a safe space for a baby to be unsupervised. In general the only place I felt comfortable leaving baby was in the crib with a monitor on.

If he cared he would. The defensiveness is such a red flag. He is your partner- why is he not respecting you as a partner rather than taking it as a personal attack? You just want your baby safe! And rather than be concerned with her safety he is now making it all about him and his feelings- like he is a child! This is such a big red flag to me.

I went to a HV session the other week and they reiterate not to leave baby on a sofa/change table/work surface. They said just the week before a 2 week baby rolled off the sofa, went to a&e the outcome was unknown. Even though I don't know if that baby survived, it has sat in my mind ever since. You are right to be cautious even if it makes for a hard conversation

@Lyss yeah... I don't know... he wasn't like this before she was born. There are lots of other issues that have cropped up since we had her. It's all a bit of a shock to me, I don't recognise him and it all feels a bit unreal

@Jenna (Jen) that's really scary and sad

Unfortunately there are some men out there who once you have a baby they feel they have you trapped. It’s what a lot of narcissists do. They love bomb you and pretend to be everything you wanted and then once they think they have you locked down they take off the mask of who they are and think you won’t ever leave. Just for information purposes I would look up DARVO tactics. It’s what narcissists use. And to be clear I’m not saying he is a narcissist but I am firm believer of knowledge is power- it can liberate us. Having the right language to process and see things from a different perspective is sometimes all you need. And in your situation- you have to prioritize your kids safety over a king baby’s feelings unfortunately. Cuz what empathic person let a baby be in dangerous situations. It’s either he’s real stupid or he knows exactly what he is doing and doesn’t care. And considering you’ve talked to him- he can’t claim negligence now. We need to hold men accountable because-

If we keep allowing them to set the bar as them being good guys just cuz they don’t hit us is really sad. We deserve better than that. We can no longer allow men to use weaponized incompetence to get away with everything they want. Our children deserve better too. They are grown adults just like we are and they should know to strap a baby in for safety. Period. They should not need a doctor or HV to tell them right from wrong. You got this! And if you ever need to talk you can DM me! I want to empower women like you- cuz you deserve better! 💝

@Lyss thank you so much for saying all that! There's definitely some incompetence going on, whether weaponised or due to lack of sleep and having to go back to work... and during our fight, he really reminded me of my dad, who I do believe is a narcissist. He's never reminded me of my dad and often sees through my dad's bullshit when others wouldn't. Big reason why I married him. Really hope I didn't make a massive mistake here

I hate to say but maybe he saw through your dad’s bullshit because he recognized it as something he would have done. And idk if lack a sleep is a good enough reason… moms get less sleep and have to work 24/7 and we don’t do things like that repeatedly when we are sleepy… maybe one time but never in a pattern…

@Lyss yeah, you might be right... thank you for your honesty!

Alternative: get rid of the change table and say that you would rather change him on a blanket on the floor