No time

So what I’m gathering is that there is no time for you, you as a couple, but he gets his time? Yeahhhhhh no. You can’t be a functioning mom without putting your needs first sometimes. If he gets him time, you deserve you time. No matter what age.

@Kiyanna like I told him he gets time to play Fortnite and take random 420 breaks and do whatever… and like it’s a struggle to get 15min in the morning to brush my hair teeth, etc. and he I guess thinks he gets those breaks when I’m feeding her or putting her to bed but like today I didn’t feel great and I was making food in the kitchen and asked him to play with her because she kept coming into the kitchen and so I just ended up sitting her safely on the counter playing with a toy. He commented that every time he’s cooking I want her in there so why not when I’m cooking…..

It feels like he doesn’t want to do stuff as a family…. He wants to do stuff as husband and wife. I dunno I tell him we can do tons of stuff and she can come with and he say it doesn’t work that way and that I’m delusional

Making the time means you put the effort in to make it. It doesn’t just magically happen. Which takes BOTH parties making the time. Don’t ask. Because that gives an option. If you need something “I need you to keep her in the living room and entertain her. I want to cook dinner without her bothering me” is how you need to say it. Don’t ask. Tell.

@SquishyMommy1 I start sentences with “I need…” all the time. He flat out ignores me or tells me to rephrase because he’s sick of hearing I need.. he says it’s poor English grammar saying it all the time. I told him I say it because I feel that’s the only way it’ll get done and he tells me to stop complaining and be smarter.

@SquishyMommy1 I agree it does… and his argument is that I won’t try to wake up earlier to spend time with him so why should he try to stay up later. I put baby to bed between 8-11 depending on the time. He’s asleep by the time I’m done. So I pump for 30m, maybe watch an episode of a show and then clean the kitchen and pick up the toy area and then go to sleep. Baby sleeps usually about 3-4hr and then wakes up and I co sleep with her. And she usually wakes up 1-2x more to nurse or just general fussiness due to teething and then full wake up by 8am…. I told him I don’t see how I can wake up earlier.

I am right there with you girl I don't get me time alot

Something my husband has said that might help your situation is to just *take* the me time. Don’t ask for it. Men don’t know what we need, and don’t see the importance in the same things we do. “Hey I’m booking a hair appointment this Saturday, what time works best for you tp watch the kids?” “Hey tomorrow night I’m going to take a full body shower and I’ll need like an hour or so to do everything I want to do. Just a heads up.” I think it is just true that dads get more “me time” than moms. Especially in those early years we’re just on call 24/7 🤷🏻‍♀️ Because of that, he should support you taking time to yourself whenever you ask for it. It’s ok that it’s not perfectly 50/50 as long as he’s supporting you taking the time you need.

@Rosalie I’ll try this again. The other week I asked for 1.5-2 hours to pump(30m), exercise(45m) and shower and he told me I didn’t need two hours to do that. Just do 5-10min a day workout he found on TikTok for me…..😭😭 like I just wanted a breather.

Regarding family time, I’ve heard that men struggle with feeling left out in a family. Family life in a lot of ways revolves around mom, and mom revolves around the babies. Dad isn’t needed except to be supportive and that can feel lonely to them. They’re people too… Ask him to take ownership over something, don’t criticize his methods (sooo hard lol), and then let him know how valuable that task or favor was. Men are simple. They just wanna be The Man 😂 Man of the house, man of your heart… The more they feel like THE MAN, the more they act like it 😉

@incognito Hahaha omg 😳 Tell him he doesn’t need 45 minutes to poop or 2 hours to play video games lol

Can you guys not go for dates nights etc to have you time?

@Rosalie OMG don’t even get me started on his toilet time. We have a heater in front of the toilet he spends stupid amount of time in there….. i sit on the toilet for more than 3min and he pops his head in and asks if I’m coming out soon or going to sit in there all day 🤣🙄

@Lauren no babysitter or childcare available. Baby would come with (which I am not opposed to) but he would rather not…. we legit went out last week to a restaurant for the first time since before she was born (she just turned a year) baby did fantastic! I had fun, he seemed to enjoy it too. I said he needed to do it again and he just mentioned we would need to bring her milk cup because he doesn’t want me breastfeeding in public. I had to go to the car twice while we were out and about.

What. He needs to be around more families and moms bc breastfeeding in public is so so so normal… That said, maybe try just one date night without baby! See how it goes! It might go a long way in compromising. Maybe you could even leverage it for that long workout/shower/getting dressed time before the date (if it’s a Saturday night) 😉 Even babies that breastfeed and still feed at night act different with a babysitter. Ours did surprisingly great, those were the only nights she’d sleep though haha. Worth a shot!

@Rosalie we don’t have family around to watch her and there’s no one we trust so no child care options. (Also can’t afford to dish out what they pay around us) 🤷🏼‍♀️ that why I don’t mind bringing her with. She’s super chill and honestly a very easy baby.

He needs to work harder to take care of his kid…

I say to my husband you can either put our little one to bed or carpet clean. Corrwct me if im wrong, It seems like he doesn't understand how hard it is (read the comments). Most days we can't go to the toilet without a little one wanting or looking for us. My husband was like that oh you get you time when he naps. No when he naps I'm sorting 500 other things. So one day I went out and did the food shop, took my sweet time doing it and had a look round some shops and he soon realised how hard it is. Now our 1 year old is in a routein and mobile I get stuff done before his naps and have me time when he is napping and then when he is in bed 7pm ish me and my husband have us time Also hats off for pumping, I know how hard it is ❤️

I’m a ftm all I do day in and out is care for my baby. Sometimes it’s hard when my son doesn’t have a good day or is sick however, once my son goes to bed I immediately turn my attention to my husband and so does he. We go from us and our baby hanging out to just us and we do whatever we please. We get a snack together, we ya know , we watch videos and cuddle,. Literally anything so long as it’s together. Tell your husband to make an effort. Because while he’s it is a mother’s duty to take care of the kids for the most part, once the kids are down there should be no excuse for him to stay away from you. You can parent together and if it has to do with things only YOU can do like feed, there’s nothing stopping him from being by your side.

Stop asking, just do it.

@Kiyanna I agree with Kiyanna. I had to sit my husband down and explain to him what I do as a mom and point out the examples of things he can do and I never have time. Thankfully both my girls (2 years old and 6 months old) goes to bed at 7. My husband don't get home from work until 11:30 so once the kids go to bed I finish with what ever I was doing for the day and then have some me time to do what I want. Some nights I do any of my hobbies or just relax and take a bath and enjoy a little time to myself.

Marriage is a scam to trap women. I could have written this post 😤😤😤 i am tired but what can i do…. I feel for all mums with guys that can not empathise with them when its comes to childcare responsibilities and home duties

I get me time, my husband gets him time and we get an hour or so together after bedtime and housework is done before we go to bed. We rarely have date nights or meals out just ourselves though

Although it’s definitely much harder now, we get us time when baby goes to bed (maybe you could put baby to bed at an earlier set time every evening) some nights he’ll play games and I’ll watch something, at the weekend I might have the baby whist he has him time and then we switch, or we enjoy time together as a family. We’re lucky some weekends my parents or his parents will have him so we can have time together! you can definitely make something work if you want to You can’t breastfeed in public? Are you actually kidding me - respectfully your partner seems awful - how dare he say you can’t feed your child in public?! How do you put up with this, I’d be like ‘well I am, so?’ I really feel for you, women are expected to do everything whilst the man can just be lazy, I say to my partner ‘I’m getting my nails done on Saturday at 11’ and he’ll go ‘okay cool!’ (He’s having baby) he’s a parent I don’t need to ask - start telling rather than asking!

lol oof my anger could neveerrrrr 😶‍🌫️ .. if he’s pulling that bs on me saying that I don’t need no me time.. trust me I will make his life a living 🔥. Oh you’re in the bathroom longer for 5 minutes ? Bitch knock knock ✊ your child wants to play with you. And if he doesn’t want to get out okay wait an extra 2-3 minutes and do it again . And if he says why can’t you take care of the baby? LMAO . Oof . My response would be “why can’t you be a father for once and take care of your damn child as well instead of taking care of that damn toilet” . Girl any moment he has alone time for himself . Make him suffer the way he’s making you suffer. Stand your ground. That guy of yours sounds like he doesn’t want to do anything and DEPENDING on you to fix everything based of reading the comments. Matter of fact you tell him on his next day off hey I’m going to get my nails done or hair done or whatever takes you the longest & if he says who’s gonna watch the baby? You tell him “uh you obviously”&leave.

If that’s too aggressive then agree with the other comments and to sit down and communicate with him and tell him you need your needs as well🤝

Feel the same with zero me time. Im not sure if you’re anything like me but if you partner had validated or ‘seen and heard’ what you were saying by saying ‘it’s so hard’ ‘you’re doing a great job’, ‘what can we do To change this’ … it would have instantly made me feel better. To feel held in me expressing my exhaustion. But the lack of this ans hearing defences and dismissing feelings is the hardest part 😢

I'm sorry, I've read the whole thing and he's a shitty person. And tbh he's controlling and selfish and mean. This is a type of DV relationship. If you're going to stay, you need to stand up for yourself. "Thank you for your opinion but I'm going to work out for 45 mins, watch the baby, bye".

He is benefitting from the current status quo and has absolutely no motivation to change it. He doesn't want to do more. he wants you to keep on doing everything and he does what he wants, which is somewhere between "nothing" and "the absolute bare minimum". So you have to advocate for yourself.

Sounds like your partner still thinks it's the 1960s where it's expected for the mom to do absolutely everything. Once my partner finishes work we split jobs and take it in turns doing the bedtime bottle and putting to sleep and that's when we have our time or me time. At the weekends we split who does the early wake up so one of us can have a lie in

1000000% agree with @Ella

I'm sorry I've just read your replies and your husband sounds abusive. Finding you a 10 minute workout because you don't need 2 hours to yourself are you joking? Was he like this before you had a baby?

@Megan right that’s what I was thinking!!!!! :/

I put "you're right" but me and my husband haven't figured it out either. We have a 4 year old and a 10 month old and have been on a "date night" once since having our first..and did a 3 day trek without our first when she was 2 in Nepal while his parents watched her. But we live in the US so that'll only happen if we fly across the world to his home country. We need to fix it 😅 like you, I see other couples going on dates and stuff and seeming like functioning fulfilled humans lol

Sorry, your husband is a jerk. At minimum every adult needs like 30 minutes of their own time a day. And like one outing a week to get away for a couple hours.

Nothing you've shared sounds worth toughing it out for..... he isn't trying. He doesnt want to adjust his life and also projects hia insecurities and childishness on you. however It sounds like you've exhausted all efforts to be fair and communicate and are still willing to work with him. Now it's time to speak his language since he won't speak yours. You are mom. Bring the child to him and say "I'm going to take a shower" dont ask. He's the father. Its his job. He wants to argue or say some slick shit? Just repeat yourself. Reply to him how he would you. Want to nurse in a restaurant? He should've remembered to bring her milk then. Since he cant resolve it, you feed wherever you please and let him be mad about something he cant do shit about in any environment. Decide and be firm. He sucks and needs his ass kicked

Not giving you any time and telling you you’re delusional is gaslighting. It’s a form of abuse. People get divorced over things like this because it’s so disrespectful to not help with parenting and to believe your partner doesn’t deserve time.

My husband and I rarely go out alone but we do have days we buy snacks and when our son is either laid down for a nap or in bed for the night we’ll watch a movie together . Me time and couple time r still very important as parents .

@Lauren & others, so I have dropped the baby with him before and saying ok I’m going to go shower or whatever and he is like “I’m in the middle of x y z” and I apparently do it all the time I don’t pay attention to what he’s doing. Or like he’ll grab her in the morning when I’m waking up and take her to the living room I’ll get up to brush and shower and he’ll get upset because he thought I was coming right out and he was in the middle of something. I usually end up putting baby in the playpen and showering while I play peek a boo since it’s right next to the bathroom door. He’s retired military so we are both home 24/7. I actually thought of writing down hourly of what each of us do because maybe I’m overreacting?? As for bf in public even my Sister in law talked to him and he’s just old school and thinks it’s weird and I’m like you know technically your opinion on this doesn’t matter and he says find then I’m not going out 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Ally yeah I have gotten baby bedtime earlier. It was consistently 1130pm and I have gotten it around 830/9 most nights…. It’s not good enough because he wakes up so early and goes to sleep. He wants me to wake up earlier than 8(I wake up with baby since we co-sleep)

If you reread your comment, you'll see that you're still compromising. He doesn't compromise for you. Stop compromising. He sees these things as your role. He won't admit to it because he knows how he sounds and is being.

He's retired and home 24/7 so he can't even use being tired from work as an excuse? Why are you letting him treat you like this?

He’s retired & he’s “so busy!!??” Y’all should make a schedule. 50/50 and even if he somehow argued for it to be 90/10, at least you’d get your 10 and know when you’re gonna get it. Each night you could plan for the next day. Each night you say, ok as we agreed I will watch her for 9 hours and you’ll watch her for 3 hours. Which 3 do you choose? Cool, that’s when I’ll get my stuff done.

Yeah I wouldn't want to be partners with some one like that ,that's sounds very stressful on your part

"I'm in the middle of something" is not a genuine excuse. Also how can he be in the middle of something first thing in the morning? Yes tbh you could write down minute to minute what you both do and show him? I did that once before. Its, tbh, sorry, absolutely fucking bullshit for him to say "mums don't get me time" when he's home 24/7. Sexist fucking bullshit. Curious, how's he doing with housework? Is he doing ALL the housework?

@Ella he vacuums and he says he does it all… but I mainly do the toy pick up and I keep one of the bathrooms tidy, he does the litter box, and I do the kitchen

I think the thing frustrating me is that isn’t not about how much each of you are doing! Who cares whether you’re “doing” more than he is. The point is that you’re giving 100% and he’s not. At the end of the day, you can’t force someone to act selflessly… but what’s needed for your marriage and family life is selflessness. Love is selflessness. As a third party observer, it seems to me that you’re being selfless and he is not. It’s not about fair, 50/50. It’s about 100/100 and he needs to see that if he wants his family to stay together

Wow I've just read your comments. This is not a team effort in parenting or a healthy marriage. He is repeatedly dismissing your needs and sounds controlling. The fact you've turned to an app to seek validation that you're not imagining that he is in fact, a complete arsehole, is telling. He's making you question yourself and it's become about trying to prove who's right and who's wrong. I think you know what you have to do.

I hate when they say that. “She wants you more” or “she only goes to you for things”. Lol MAYBE the reason she goes to you is bc she’s used to her momma doing everything for her. I promise you, you gone feel neglected if he keep making excuses. MAKE him get his ass up and take care of yall child just as much as you do. These men act like we made these babies by ourselves 🙄

@Alysa i feel like I try to but it’s always at inconvenient times like earlier I asked him to play with her and that upset him because of my tone… and the hockey game was on and I was already sitting on the floor 🙄