What should I do?
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The tween years are hard, but take heart, by the time she is about 16, she won't be around the house to bug you that much. Your sweet little step is gone and is being replaced by a young woman who is "finding her voice." She is going to say things, your job is to let her know her words can hurt, not cooperating won't get her what she wants, and having an attitude just makes your home unpleasant. Shopping trips end early. Privileges can be suspended. You are not going to make her favorite dinner or drive her to her friends house when she's being a little snot to you. She can bike/take the bus/find a ride with friends to her activities. Her dad can drive her, sign permission slips, get her dresses for the dance, etc if she's willing to play ball with him. You'd be happy to do it, of course, but her chores weren't done, or her homework, or whatever you asked her to do. You can be firm without being mean. It's a tricky balance for both parents and step parents.
One of my favorite responses to a "No", or "I'm not doing that" is "That's too bad." I've got a great disappointed face that goes with it, and it's sometimes followed up with a "I was looking forward to (doing that, getting that, going there) with you today. Maybe another time."
You need to speak with your husband and get him on your side. SD needs to respect your rules and boundaries at the end of the day and she can't speak to you like that. We're having an issue with SD not respecting rules or boundaries too, it is really hard. It must be their age but they can't get away with it
Does she listen to your husband or does your husband not step up and parent? I am wondering if it is just a part of her getting older or she doesn’t want to listen because you are a step mom. Your husband needs to back you up if she isn’t listening and if he doesn’t like the way you do things then he needs to step up and handle it or you both come to a compromise on how to handle these things.
I’m saying this in the kindest way possible because I am going through the exact same situation except my stepdaughter is about to turn 9. My husband blames me for everything as well but he is allowed to complain about her behavior while I am not. You may need to consider a divorce or accept your permanent place of being a buffer. I love my blended family and could handle the mistreatment before but now I have an 11 month old to think about. I have been working with my own therapist for two years and she has seen a drastic change in me because I finally snapped from having all of my boundaries disrespected. Neither my stepdaughter or husband seem to be changing for the better either. If it’s as bad as what I’m going through, you may have to just pick up the pieces and save yourself.