Overstepping boundaries

My own mum has always been a bit erm much with my son. I know it comes from the heart but since he’s turned two she’s took it upon herself to take charge whilst we’re out. For clarity she’s an amazing mum and nan and I appreciate her dearly. We are however two different people in the way we approach situations. But we go shopping together every week and we nip into m&s to get lose fruit and veg so I don’t put him on a leash or in a trolley I let him help me and she has told me more than once there is no way she would let a child walk around a shop I’ve told her of course not for a long shop but for a few oranges and stuff it’s good for him to get used to being out. Anyway, I deal with tantrums by either distractions or being there and talking him through it as I know he can’t listen to reason all he’s listening to are the alarm bells going through his head. She has tried to take him away from me during this point and I’ve been a little like what?? Then later explained why she shouldn’t do that. But today I said NO and she looked shocked and tried again and I just said mum, stop! She got in a mood with me and walked away and funnily enough my little boy after I’d say 30 seconds and asking if he wanted to find the broccoli for mummy’s bag was over his tantrum, usually when she drags him away from me lasts around 10 minutes. I found her and I just told her you’ve got to think what kind of message your sending to him because he’s upset you’re going to drag him away from me and that’s adding fuel to the fire and she said sounds like he’s manipulating you to me and I said well the message your sending to me when you do that is you think I’m incompetent mother and I don’t know what I’m doing, she gasped and didn’t say anything for a few minutes and said I do it because I’m trying to help and I said well if two adults get their messages lost while you’re doing it imagine how a two year old is going to think. I feel awful and have felt awful all day ever since because she is sooooo good, but I couldn’t take it any longer! I have seen others have similar issues with family members and my only advice is to just say it.

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You can love and appreciate someone without agreeing with them on everything. We do a full food shop with our toddler walking round the supermarket. We get him to pick up everything he can help with and pop it in the trolley. The deal is he stays on the same aisle. If he tries walking off too much he goes in the trolley but it’s rare we have to.

@Cal thats what I say stay close to mummy and if he doesn’t listen I carry him and he hates it so he stays close after that I’ve never been a container parent but I always stick to boundaries and he loves getting all the fruit for me! I just can’t stand the pulling him away from me just because he’s having a tantrum or even a hard time xx

Mums never accept that we are now grown ups their job was to mother us so they still try to do their job unintentionally coz it’s in their nature. I tell her things I don’t want her to do in certain and big situations but other that I try not to worry too much, kids gonna grow eventually one way or another best not to worry too much as long as there is no bad intentions. Just tell your mum ‘mum please next time when he has a tantrum let me deal with it’’ I’m sure she’ll understand at some point

@Tly I had tried telling her on more than one occasion next time just let me deal with it because it’s embarrassing or it’s just not worth having both of us arguing with a two year old etc and she just kept on doing it, it was upsetting me having my child upset taken away from me as well so I’m not surprised it upset him and stuff like that and she still carried on so I think today was the only way she heard what I was saying! We’re okay we’re extremely close so it didn’t cause any problems! But it was like ah tadaaa moment for me because it definitely solved the issue I think! Me showing her what I meant rather than just moaning afterwards 🤪 xx

I can see how frustrating this is for you and you have done the right thing by addressing it with her. It clearly comes from a place of love so my advice would be to set boundaries but also to forgive and tell her how much you appreciate her. I felt the same as you on certain things my mum did but then I lost my mum and would do anything to be able to go shopping with her again even if sometimes she frustrated me 🥰

@Emma yeahhh we didn’t fall out or anything even that evening on the phone we were fine, it’s just I know others have struggled on how to say things to family members when they overstep and I found that was the best!! And I would say the only other thing I said after was if I need help I’ll ask for it xxx

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