Drowning- A rant

I know I have to keep going. I don't have a choice. I go to therapy, but it often feels like I am out witting them because of how aware I am. I have a need to want the pain not just emotional but physical. Recently after 4 years I began cutting again and I am struggling. I keep imagining taking a handful of meds to just have the peace. I talk to my therapist but I am struggling. I feel like if I talk to anyone else I am just a burden because everyone else has their stuff going on and in comparison it isn't that bad. I can deal. But I am not as strong as I let everyone see. I bare all the household duties from cleaning, to dinner to finacials to getting kids to bed. Then I am a full time student and work full time. I don't talk to my family much because at this point in my life I am matching energies. My partner isn't much of a partner. If I don't tell him to do something or remind him 1000 times nothing gets done or remembered. A few weeks ago he completely missed my birthday we have been together for 4 nearly 5 years. Then if he wants sex he does it when I am not awake enough to concent. In therapy I have labeled it as marital rape because I don't. I lost a friend due to this because honestly I don't know. I am drowning. It all on my shoulders. I am being crushed but I keep going for my kids. But truthfully I don't know how long I can anymore. Ideation is a constant battle it seems and just is growing. I hope it gets better and I am here for that. If anyone reads all this thank you.