feelz in relationship

I just hateee that I care so much for his validation like I was once a care free girl never gave a f but it’s been years together and now with our 8m old everything has changed he didn’t wanna be a dad (he said that from we were young) things happened and I was blessed w our baby boy and he is a great dad to him but an awful person to be with he’s providing so I can be at home but this is so mentally draining. Sometimes we have our moments where I’m like this is the guy I fell in love with , but realistically we are just roommates and never are with each other he’s always in his phone could be cheating who knows I’m so hurt and numb I can’t even cry I just try to wake up and put a smile and make sure my son has a great day of playing cuddles snacks going outside and being a happy boy . It takes all my energy everyday an doing everything around the house , no family no friends , I always been alone maybe why I’m so hurt to know I need to leave but I have serioousss abandonment issues - Weird how when I become a parent you start to see things from ur childhood trauma come up If u read this then thx I don’t want pity just wanted to vent , it hurts to love so much but never feel it back .. maybe one day I can hope but right now my son has saved my life no doubt. I hope this season passes and maybe I can feel happy one day