in Mom's going through divorce/separation/ breakups

How do you cope with an unhinged coparent?

I’m currently undergoing the divorce process. Turned out my husband of seven years is a raging narcissist and it took like four lawyers telling me what he did is considered domestic violence for me to open my eyes at how bad the situation was. I left with our one year old months ago after he smashed a chair and said he didn’t want to “fund my lifestyle” anymore (I’m a SAHM) and I currently reside with my parents in another state. I let him FaceTime our son daily. They used to be like an hour long but now I set a timer for five minutes since I’m done playing nice and that’s the recommended time per the court ordered parenting class and per the lawyers. He’s so vindictive and thinks my family is malicious for not dropping the charges the state pressed against him after he shoved my elderly mom. He asked for a paternity test out of spite and won’t let my friends into the house to pack my things. Last night he called me repeatedly at 8:30PM my time, fully aware that our son’s bedtime is 8PM and our regular calls are at 7:30PM my time. He went on to say that I’m denying him visitation and that our “agreed on” time is his 5:30PM local time, no matter where he is. This is just a little snippet at what I have had to put up with lately. How do y’all cope with such a nasty asshole of an ex? I wish he could be out of my life but I’m trying to do what’s in our son’s best interest. We haven’t even had mediation yet but I know he’s just trying to make things as hard as possible for me, and he thinks he’s justified because I’m “making it hard for him to see his son”.

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Please let me know if you find out how to cope. Mine is no longer allowed contact with me but I’ve told him to go through a third party of his choice which he’s refusing. Then told me he’s not willing to see his son unless it’s at his house which I stopped due to my son coming back smelling of cigarettes. Hes saying mediation and court but I honestly couldn’t care at this moment because of his history. Wish you the best of luck and hope you work it out

It’s definitely difficult, that’s for sure! I have THREE little ones (and 16 years invested before his true colors came out!). The best thing to do is to just ‘Gray Rock’ him. Look it up. It’s a style of communicating with narcissists in a way that allows necessary information to be exchanged, but minimizes all other extraneous exchanges so that the abuse (at least verbal, mental and emotional , thank god you don’t have to worry about the physical stuff on a daily basis!) cannot continue. Good luck mama! Stay strong! It can be SO hard sometimes, in those moments, take a peek at baby, or pictures of sweet babe, and remember the incredible, beautiful little spirit that came as a result of the something that was so ugly. Remember that you got him out of the deal and that you’re doing it all for him!

Oh my gosh, I just peeked at your profile, and we have SO much in common too mama! Are you still in Denver??? I’m a Denver native, born and raised, but did 6 months in Costa Rica and have spent a good amount of time there (including my double wedding with my now ex husband brother and his *now ex as well* wife). I’m a HUGE crafter and I have a boba drink every single day! 😆 There’s lots of other little stuff too. Let me know if you’re still in Denver!

@Chloe That’s something I worry about too because I know my ex started smoking again since I left. On top of that he owns a gun. And every time I refuse a sleepover (he hasn’t even slept in the same room as me and our son since he was like one week old because “it doesn’t make sense for both of us not to get sleep”) or tell him I feel uncomfortable about something he’s quick to say “I need you to put into writing that you’re denying me visitation”. How are you navigating what’s in the best interest of your child when everything out there says equal time with both parents? I feel like I’m in such a legal gray zone

@Alissa thank you, I’ll look that up! I saw a comment online that said narcissist’s violent tendencies tend to come out after having kids because the attention isn’t all on them anymore - and it resonated with me so much. I caught a video of my little one laughing yesterday and it is just pure joy. I wish he could have a father he could look up to but for now I’m playing that role. And dang! No, I’m in Pennsylvania now and the ass I left behind is in Aurora. I’m in a pretty redneck town now so I haven’t had boba in quite the while 🥲

@Kimberly so I got legal advice about it all. He’s not allowed access due to him putting my son in hospital due to smoking near him. He can have supervised visits but he’s refusing everything. Police have spoken to him tonight as well. But I just make sure everything is in writing so text messages. And I’m very clear on why I’m doing things. That way when it goes to court, they can see I put my child first and compromised on things but made sure my child was safe. Highly recommend going through legal aid (not sure if you have that. In uk) and they can give you advice. Plus many women’s agencies can help support and put things into place.

@Chloe I’m in the US and my divorce lawyer is $400/hour and doesn’t respond on weekends 😩 so I’m waiting for him to call me tomorrow. Thank you for your input. I learned my lesson the hard way to make sure to have everything in writing - he has no qualms about deliberately lying to my face and then stating “that never happened” because there is no proof. I’m just starting a journal now but I wish I did so earlier - I know he did (he types on his computer during every FaceTime call with our son)