Postpartum PTSD

While I haven’t been formally diagnosed with PTSD my doctor has high suspicion I do. And I’ve looked for PTSD groups here but I can’t seem to find one that’s not for abuse. Idk where to post this but I need to tell someone. I went into the hospital at Christmas time last year 2023. And it has been a wild ride. I thought they were going to dismiss my preeclampsia symptoms like they did many times with my previous pregnancy. I was in preterm labor at 31 weeks so they admitted me. After admitting my trauma just got worse. I didn’t want to take injections and I was forced to even tho I didn’t want to. And they told me I was going to do it cause I was a bad mom if I didn’t. They drew blood when I asked them not to. My doctors couldn’t agree on my care and I felt like I was in a constant fight or flight response. On night I didn’t get dinner because I was in the restroom. After about a week and a half of that they moved me to another hospital to focus on nicu care since my cervix was still dilated and I was still contracting and the baby developed fluid around its organs. And to add the drama I had blood sugar issues but they gave me insulin which I declined cause it gave me super low blood sugar. And when the nurses gave me medication they couldn’t even tell me what they were giving me. But yet had to watch me swallow it. After moving there the night mare continued. My iv kept leaking but on the bright side at least they flushed it so it didn’t blow. And I again would ask to not have blood or take medications and they didn’t care it was happening. The doctors there still couldn’t agree on my care and it was super stressful. My labor would start and stop progressing so I was constantly shuffled. There were days I sat in labor and delivery and couldn’t eat. I complained of horrible contractions would hit the call button 3 times in an hour before someone would come and the nurses told me they can’t see my contractions on the monitor and basically called me a liar. After asking for help for over 12 hours they checked me and I was in full active labor and rushed me to a C-section. 6 months later I’m still having nightmares reliving my hospital stay and I have anxiety going to doctors even when it’s serious, I wake up in panic attacks at night. I tried to find a psychiatrist to diagnose me but the only ones I’ve found in my area that accept my insurance will only treat me not diagnose me. I just overall feel like idk anymore. I don’t know how to describe it. I just feel like I was meant to die during my C-section I lost a lot of blood and I know they were really concerned at me. Things keep just going black and now I relive that and my care that wasn’t care. And I just can’t help but think I shouldn’t have made it but some how I’m here and idk what that means but I can’t get past my trauma.