Abandonment Issues

We are a military family and my husband has been gone a lot this tour; therefore, I have been single-parenting quite a bit lately. It’s really the first time since we had kids that my husband has had to leave often, so it’s not something our 3.5 yro son experienced before. We also have a 1 yro, who still needs multiple naps per day. My son is a typical boy - rambunctious, energetic, playful - he knows how to get everyone going, and occasionally he gets his sister overstimulated so she has trouble doing down for her naps. I’ve been resorting to putting on a tv show for him to watch downstairs, while I take his sister upstairs and get her to sleep, and then I come back downstairs to take care of him or get some house work done. I thought all was good, but lately our son has been breaking down in tears over the fact I “left him by himself” while I put his sister to bed. It’s extended to the point where he melts down every morning too because I left to go sleep in my room. I’ve offered to have him sleep in my room while my husband is away, but he prefers to sleep in his own bed. These abandonment issues have also been manifesting into a bit of jealousy towards his sister, which I immediately nip. I do work full time with both kids going to daycare throughout the week days, and both apparently do well in care. These issues usually transpire over the weekends or if I have to keep them home for some reason. I understand it’s really hard on our son to have his dad away so often, but I’m not sure how to help him feel less abandoned. Is this just a phase? Does he just miss his dad? What can I do to help address the issue and help him work through these emotions better? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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If possible, can you plan family activities for the weekend? (ie a trip to the zoo) Or, maybe have him work on something for when dad gets back. (ie “I’m going to put your sister down for a nap. Let’s make a poster for your dad when he gets back home. Do you think you can start it while I put your sister down for a nap, and then I’ll help?” Start with asking him to draw the family, then maybe the next day draw the house, the next day he can add on an activity he likes to do as a family, etc As for bed time, would it be possible to put his bed in your room temporarily? Hoping it’s not a huge bed or too much hassle. If it is, maybe put an air mattress in his room and “sleep” there (if you don’t want to spend the night maybe just go there in the morning so he thinks you slept in his room?) Also, is it possible to get a babysitter for your daughter one day so you can give him a day to himself? He’s not used to change and he’s likely feeling stressed.

Have you ever heard of the Momwell podcast? There’s an episode that re-aired lately that I think could help about transitions. It’s framed toward school, however they do mention how transitions in general can cause this sort of meltdown and have a few options to try as well as extra resources to look into. ❤️

@Victoria we try to do some activity every weekend to get the kids out of the house. I like them to get out as much as possible, especially when dad is gone, to help keep them busy and their mind off it. It’s just been tough for me lately because I’m recovering from pneumonia, so I haven’t been able to do too much physical activity on my own at the moment, and I think that’s part of the problem here to be honest….I do try to give him an activity to work on, whether it’s coloring, drawing, or those activity books, but his attention span for projects isn’t all there yet. He’ll give me maybe 3-5 minutes before he’s over it, lol. We have been spending some one on one time with him ever since his sister was born, which is obviously more do able once my husband is home or if I have family in town. Once I get his sister down for a nap, I also give him some snuggle time and play with him. Sleep wise, he loves his bed, but I usually lay with him until he falls asleep.

@Victoria he’s also welcome to sleep in my room whenever he wants/needs, but he normally chooses not to unless he has a bad dream. I do need to find a reliable babysitter here though.

@Emma I never heard of that podcast, but it’s something I will definitely check out! I think the school subject would help him as well since he’s still kind of so-so at daycare/preschool.

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