Emergency c-section & grieving the birth I never had.

I felt the same way for a long time after i had my daughter after a failed induction, i had to be put to sleep for my section and awoke around an hour after she born and I felt like I missed out on those first crucial moments in her life ans grieved for them but as time goes on I'm seeing a lot of other firsts and realising that she's here, she's safe and she's healthy and that's the main issue, the feeling will go down in time but if your still struggling with these feeling I'd speak to someone as it could start affecting you more. Remembering you have a gorgeous little girl and how she came doesn't matter in the long run, what matters is she's here with you and nothing can ruin that bond ❤️

Exactly the same with me, it’s definitely damaged my confidence in my ability to even give birth, im pregnant again and have automatically opted for another Csection as i have no faith in my body now!

I had the same happen - emergency c section due to no progression in 12 hours was put to sleep after an epidural fail and a spinal block fail - I’m going to a birth afterthoughts in December to get a clear picture of what happened - it’s still taking a small toll on me but as comments above say she’s here and she’s safe and watching her grow day by day really is the main factor x

Me too! I feel you. I had wanted a water birth with nothing more than gas and air. Births in my family have been quick and without complication so I had hoped for the same. I was 41w1d and induced. Contractions came fast, too fast and several times babies heartrate went high but luckily came back down. I dilated at a good pace to 5cm then it seemed to plateau. Needed more meds than I'd hoped for due to over contracted and this causing a lot of pain. Ended up with epidural in the hopes I could conserve energy. When it got to 18 hours and was still 5cm they examined me again and thought that his head was stuck in the wrong position so wouldn't engage further so csection was the only option. I'd rejected it 3 times prior but after hearing this accepted.

Only later at the birth reflections service I was told he was brow presentation and the chance of them turning is 50/50 but only in the first few hours of labour then after that it's not happening. I was told it was very rare (like 1 in 4000) for baby to get in this position and given he was overdue he'd had extra time to get into position if it was going to happen at all. He flipped late too so this is another contributing factor. His head was 79th percentile so a little bigger. Basically there was nothing I could have done differently, the sun roof was the only way out! 😂 But I realised after that I had to make a choice about risking my own life to bring him safely into the world and there isn't anything more Mumsy than that!

You put your child first over your own body and potentially, life. You were brave and put your life and trust in the hands of professionals look after you both. That is no small feat! You had to make some hard choices mama and although not what you'd hoped, you made the best decision for your little ones wellbeing at the time it was needed, and that is a beautiful way for any child to enter the world!

@Charlotte I also had to be put to sleep for an emergency section and struggled with it a lot still do from time to time and wow I’ve never heard it explained like this, such a nice way to look at it and even explain to my son 🙏 thank you for sharing

My story was very similar with my first except induced due to blood pressure issues, emergency section for fetal distress. I also grieved so badly and really struggled with the fact I didn’t get the birth I wanted. It took time but I did slowly feel better about it then had a VBAC just over 2 years later which healed me completely, it was so empowering and I was so happy to finally get the natural birth I wnated with my first ❤️

@Charlotte not too dissimilar to me! I had dilapan', the pessary and eventually after 2-3 days, hormone drip. Was in labor for a good half a day and opted for an epidural when I was still barely 2cm. Increased drip caused baby's heart rate to plummet. By 10pm I was still only 2cm and they (+ me) did not want to put baby through any more distress. It was certainly the right decision at the time but there were so many other circumstances surrounding it that makes me think, what if? I know that's silly because 'what if' I had waited to go into labor naturally and there was a growth restriction & we lost her. So many things to be grateful for but man, it's so hard.

@Jessica oh amazing! I've had friends go through similar things. Unfortunately this will be our one & only baby which I think is what makes it harder to process.

We have the tendency to think that if it had gone the way we hoped it would have been better, however, there are times it may have been worse. I too saw so many people around me having vaginal births and envied that until I heard their stories and what they too had gone through. I had 3 friends who had vaginal births round a similar time. 2 required forceps unexpectedly. One mum ended up with a severe prolapse and battles the daily impact of this and her baby had partial facial paralysis and the other mum has had to take her little one to physio for her head and neck. The last mum had a 3rd degree tear and has had to have multiple surgeries to repair and has to manage pain on a daily. It's such a monumental life milestone and all of us have our challenges around it and if not then, in child rearing 😂

@Megan this is so lovely & yes I'm grateful to be here to see her other milestones. I wasnt put under but due to all the cables I wasnt able to hold my baby and when she was finally given to me it wasnt skin to skin. We struggled with breastfeeding and thus bonding for her first few weeks of life and I felt like it was all related.

@Charlotte well this is it... one friend just got home after a week in hospital as there were some complications with the birth. Another friend said she couldn't walk for days (I was up and about fairly quickly) and also though not related was never able to breastfeed which I know affects her so the grass isn't always greener x

I absolutely feel you! It’s been 6 months for me as well but i am still not happy with how my delivery went. I wanted natural birth so bad if im being honest, i am not a fan of the scar i hate it every time i look at myself in the mirror. I did so well the whole pregnancy. Laboured for 14hrs in total i reached 7cm, Midwives artificially ruptured my water bag and it all went wrong! I had high fever and my little girls heart rate sky rocketed. I ended up having emergeny c-section. I did a birth review with the senior midwife at the hospital but it didn’t really gave me closure because the infection i got was unidentified! It certainly doesn’t help when they fob you off with “at least you have a healthy baby” comments. I feel so robbed with my birth experience. I hope one day we recover from this

I absolutely know how you feel and really do sympathise as I was the same. Waters broke before contractions came, contractions never actually came so I was induced with the Oxytocin drip. My little girl was in textbook position and I think the forced contractions made her head turn and so she got stuck and her head was swelling so I wasn’t dilating any further than 7cm. She was also back to back. We made the decision after a very long labour to have the c section. She is most likely my only baby and I absolutely didn’t want a section. Was so happy when I got cleared for low lying placenta so I could have the water birth I really wanted. My little one is now 7 months old and I still relive the grieving every time I look at the scar or in the mirror. I don’t think I’ve quite accepted it yet and that’s ok. It’s also ok to feel the way you do ❤️

I think it's hard to process the scar given its a reminder of what happened. But it's also a mark of what your body was able to do and heal from. I still look at it and think gosh, just 7 months ago that part of my body was open! I've chosen to give that part of my body some love each day, initially it was so hard, I couldn't bare to touch it. Then I'd just do a few seconds around it, then on it and built it up. Now it's started to feel nice when I massage that area so I've come a long way with it. I've also used Silicon scar strips during the day to help reduce the redness and flatten it and now it's barely noticeable on one side. Perhaps find a way you can reconnect with that part of your body?

@Charlotte that’s amazing, well done! I love my scar, as you say it does remind me of a decision my fiancé and I made to protest the most precious thing we have. I struggle with the “mum pouch” if I’m completely honest. I’ve been getting back to training slowly for a few months but nothing consistent. I’ll feel better once I start to fix that I think. It sounds so superficial I know, it’s just hard to look at a part of your body that never used to look like that if that makes sense? I do still try to tell myself each day that I have a beautiful and happy 7 month old despite how I look physically now and that’s all that matters

I have the exact same story. My little girl was induced at 37 weeks due to measuring below the 3rd centile. Nothing progressed. I was forced onto the hormone drip. She had constant decels so I was rushed to theatre. I had an uncomplicated vaginal birth with my son who came at 41 weeks so this was a shock. I was expecting to progress quickly like I did with him. I feel I was forced into things without getting a choice and made to feel like an awful mum for feeling upset about having a c section. In hindsight I believe my daughter was just small and I was induced without a reason. I wish I knew I had the choice not to be induced and have increased monitoring as I would’ve made a very different choice. I believe if left alone I would’ve gone into labour naturally and when I was ready and it would’ve been different. I mourn my birth with my daughter. It was simultaneously one of the best and worst experiences of my life x

And I completely understand the sadness of seeing people have the birth you wanted. Obviously I’m happy everything went well for them but I can’t help the envy and sadness I have for myself. My c section really hindered my ability to bond with my daughter for a long time. My PPD was awful as a result too. I have had birth reflections and quite a few things were flagged. I was told things I shouldn’t have been and made to feel as I had no choices which isn’t okay. So many people have the same story and it needs to be addressed x

I still feel the same way, just a little bit faded. I feel guilty that my body couldn't do what it was supposed to do. I didn't want any interference and they took a while to talk me into the induction, and then the c section. It's devastating. I hate hearing about other people's births and pregnancies. It makes me so sad. I feel like a failure most times I think about it.