Would I be the asshole if I didn't go to Thanksgiving at my mom's this year??

My mom and I have always had a strained relationship with my mom. We've been working on it since I got pregnant with my first daughter and it's gotten better in some ways, but I still feel like I'm doing most of the work. She lives almost an hour away, she has a car and always says she's working. I dont have a car and haven't worked in over a year (my husband works, but has been unable to lately for personal unrelated reasons). I've only seen her once since we moved here, it was on her birthday in early September, and it was super stressful on me and my daughter. My brother had to drive us under the condition that we left when HE wanted to which wasn't until after midnight. My daughter refused to take a nap at my mother's house and was cranky most of the time we were there because she refused to sleep. She missed my daughter's birthday party to go to her 'fiances' family photos and said she would visit the day before, but said she got called into work that morning so she canceled and said she'd "make it up" 🙄 She was suppose to come over last Sunday because she usually only has Sundays off work, but I got a text Saturday morning saying she would have to work Sunday so she couldn't come over anymore. She then called me at 1230 in the afternoon, already home, to check in on us. I asked what her plans were for the rest of the day and she said she was just gonna stay home and relax. This upset me because she still could've visited, but chose not to, but I didn't say anything at the time. This year for Thanksgiving she wants us to go out there, but we still have no vehicle and would probably have to ride with my brother again. I'm 33 weeks pregnant now and just got my daughter on a solid sleep schedule. It's also been a rough pregnancy and I've been in a lot of pain and really don't need extra stress rn. Holidays are a big deal to my mom especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm already probably going to miss Christmas since that's my due date. Would I be wrong if I refused to go to Thanksgiving because I don't want to risk staying until super late, but also because she doesn't make the effort to come out and visit us? Should I just suck it up and go anyway for the sale of family??

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Honestly, I wouldn't go. I would prioritise my family and young children over my parent. That's just me though!

Not at all. My siblings are usually the ones who host family gatherings/holidays. But because I’m due in December with baby #2, I’m for sure gonna miss Christmas with both families. Thanksgiving, it’s a maybe as I’ll be pregnant asf and will be on maternity leave and I would like to relax. So, I would rather spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my little family instead this year.

No but also your brother is weird for wanting to stay that late when your daughter wasn’t doing well. My brother would easily prioritize my child’s comfort

I think I wouldn’t go. She needs to make her relationship with you more intentional. And unfortunately this is just the repercussions of her actions. If she’s a good mom she’ll understand. The no car thing and being heavily pregnant is a very good excuse, and if they take offense then it’s honestly rude on their part. You can’t go home when you want to, and you have a child. You need some semblance of peace this far along in the pregnancy. If they really want to see you, then I hope they make the effort to drive out. However I hope you and your family have a lovely Thanksgiving together in the peace of your own home.

I’m not going because my mothers behavior has been toxic. Keeping peace if she will allow it but don’t wanna be in a hostile situation right now haha.

@Elizabeth my brother is a narcissistic and only cares about himself so I'm not surprised by his actions and don't want him to put me in that situation again

It’s hard but setting a clear boundary for you and your mental health should be priority. You don’t have to be mean to be assertive. I think making it clear that you don’t want to be there late and just don’t feel up for going this year is absolutely understandable. Whether she thinks that or not is totally on her. I think also making it clear that you would love to see her more but need more effort on her part to come to you is a good idea to try to express also. I know it’s easier said than done though. Good luck!!💟

100% would not go! One youre 33 weeks pregnant and going somewhere an hour away not according to your own schedule (im 35 weeks with a toddler so I know 😴). Second you have your other baby to worry about and sleep is important. My motto is if it affects the energy i am going to be able to give my son and my patience with my husband then we arnt doing it lol if things dont work for his naps I am not coming. Lol. I get not everyone likes this and does this but to me I couldn’t care less. She clearly isnt making some big effort to spend time with you and your child, specially as you’re pregnant so why go to make her happy. Thats not your job. Your job is your kids and your own happiness ❤️ I have worked for about 6 years setting boundaries and redefining my relationship with my mom and its hard to not feel their pain or want to make them happy but its simply is not our job and never was!

I wouldn’t go , I would tell my mum how I feel about the whole situation and tell her that I am hosting thanksgiving and she is welcome to come but I wouldn’t be going there.

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