Having a second child

TW: PPD/PPA This is kind of a vent and asking for opinions During pregnancy (FTM) I had such bad anxiety while I was pregnant to the point I couldn’t be in a public place or a place with more than maybe 5 people otherwise I felt dizzy and hot which I thought would go away I t mostly did after pregnancy and during my pregnancy I kept having thoughts on what if I don’t love her but I saw her and loved her instantly I think I was awake the whole first night in our hospital room while everything was quiet just staring at her examining every single one of her little features, but whilst I was pp up I always just cried or grit my teeth and punched the bed or covered my ears and had some pretty dark thoughts I was just exhausted all she would have to do was stir not even cry and I’d be hysterical almost I think I possibly disliked her for a few months don’t get me wrong I loved her like nobody else, I also just felt so dark and alone even though I had lots of support, i know I most likely had ppd/ppa as much as I didn’t want to be around her I never wanted to be away from her and loved her so so much, we are out of the thick of it now she’s 6 months and I’m finally starting to feel okay, obviously i do get frustrated sometimes still but I’m finally okay! I was just wondering if anyone felt like that and went on the have a second child, is it easier in that aspect? I am so clucky and I would absolutely love for her to have a little brother or sister close in age but I don’t want to put myself through that again maybe I could handle that but I’m scared it will be worse, I guess I’m just here for advice and what your similar experiences were adding a second child, I’d really really love to but I just want to have a really good think about it first, I feel like I missed so much of the newborn stage because I was so worried about my whole life changing, being uncomfortable in my new body, working out how to care for a whole person and because a lot of that was a factor in the anxiety and depression then maybe it won’t be so bad a second time