Rage episode

I’ve been depressed for years and it’s been more intense since having baby. Last night I had a horrible rage episode after and exchange of not so kind words with my bf. He’s about twice my size and I said something unkind about it. But in return he said he wanted to smother me and that I was replaceable. I was upset so I left the room and said nothing. (Ofc I already feel worthless and suicidal so that just kinda proved what I already think about myself) He came to the room where I was at and he was trying to justify himself and then apologized but I was already raging about how he could say something like that knowing well we were on the phone with 988 a few weeks ago because I don’t want to be here anymore.

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Do you take medicine for your depression?

Maybe you should look into that. I've been diagnosed with Manic disorder, and before my medication, I was like, "You are very angry, very depressed suicidal and self-loathing. There was a chemical missing in my brain that made me that way. Being on the medication, it helped me feel like myself again .

I've been very ugly towards my husband when I was off it. I couldn't keep blaming my disorder. I had to find help

This doesn’t sound healthy at all…please look into counselling and talking to a doctor…it sounds like you need extra support right now…also your bf making threats is super concerning (intentional or not).

So u commented on his size and he is mad,..I would def stay away until you get needed help

I would seek out a Nero divergent, friendly therapist because I used to think I had horrible rage and it turned out that I had autistic meltdowns not saying that you are autistic, but it doesn’t hurt to rule things out, and I will also add that when I was in a shitty relationship and he would push my buttons, it created a reactive abuse situation so that made my traits so much worse. Also being autistic comes with suicide idealization. And also, why is he saying he wants to smother you? That should never be something he should say under any circumstances, that sounds horrifying, especially when he’s way bigger than you . and before I knew I was autistic I had a tendency to get in a lot of abusive narcissistic relationships, and because of my autism ADHD I was easily gaslit to make me think that I was the problem because of my mental health when in reality they were using it and weapon it against me. And also I used to think I was depressed but it turned out to be autistic burnout.

All these comments say the same thing but if you don’t want to be here you need to go to inpatient treatment I never wanted to go until I was leaving and realized I wouldn’t make it if I hadn’t gone through with it I promise you life can get better

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