I’m having an anxiety attack from feeling so suffocated by in-laws.

I’m pregnant with first baby and their first grandchild. We’ve married 7 years and me feeling suffocated has been a source of practically all of mine and hubbbys disagreements/arguments over this time. We went out for dinner and I got told I need to accept help and let people in more (wanting to buy things by mil) to which I responded I would happily get a list of some things we will need together, but the idea of a baby shower is crippling to me. And i don’t want a whole heap of clutter and things. I proceeded to be told that I need to change and be more excepting and let people do things. I had to get up and walk away from the table to calm my nerves down. They come from a loving place and I’m so grateful that they are kind people. But they literally treat me like I’m a shiny toy and whatever I do contribute (of my time) is never enough: if I visit today can I come again tomorrow. Take take take. And no one cares (including husband) that I feel awful and suffocated and just want to be left alone. Tried setting boundaries and now husband is tired of these boundaries and bagging me out for having those too. We are looking for therapists, I’ve been to a psychologist myself before to try and help me deal with things on my own but I came to the realisation that my feelings are valid and tough if they want more. Just because they had this vision of me being super involved in their life doesn’t matter. It’s not what I had in my life plan and it’s my life! I’m the one making an effort and going along when I’d rather never go again, that needs to be enough for them!!! I’m super worried if my husband can’t at least respect where I’m coming from or empathise instead of continuing to push me too like he has been lately we are not going to make it. 🥺🥺

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I think baby showers with gifts are the done thing for most people so if you don’t want one your seen as unusual (I never had one) I did make a list or said what we needed so grandparents could help with what they could. I think couples therapy is a good idea to see from both perspectives he’s obviously very close to his parents and likes the closeness that brings. It’s harder on those who havnt been brought up that way and like space

@Josie very true. I agree, but they also have known me for 10 years and I hate my birthrdays and being the centre of attention. I just feel so uncomfortable. And I know reading over that post I sound so selfish and wanna tell myself just to Get over it. But it’s to the point now I feel so unsupported and alone, and literally anxious and suffocated at the idea of going to see them right now. I just don’t feel like anyone cares about my feelings. It’s all about them and what they want. Im so sad as I feel like it’s all gonna be over.

I think people think it’s different if it’s a baby shower as it’s not technically about you it’s for the “baby” even though mum to be has to present I love my birthday 😂 but I don’t do massive events never had done. I think definitely couples therapy to get your husband to try and see from your view point even if he had a small thought for your preferences it sounds like he’s getting constant but “normally” the whole family comes together from his parents etc

I relate so hard to this. You put it so well, feeling like a shiny new toy. It's exactly objectification! My kiddo is 3 now, but I felt CRAZY by my extroverted, pushy but self-described loving MIL. Recently things came to a head, and I just told her I'm like a cat, I need a lot of space! She's a cat lady and maybe that helped it click and her feel less rejected. It's a weird thing to describe, but imagine travelling back to early man, and socially she is part of the extended tribe who is 1000% invested in that child. It's a strong instinct for her to CLAIM them as a part of her (and you, of course). We're so individualistic as a cultre now, it feels like. The. Worse. to be pulled into a different orbit. Also because she's been there, done that, she has a stronger image of that child than a first-time Mom could ever. And she's forgotten all the nuance and details, especially discomforts and feelings of the unknown! I don't have true advice other to try to get used to a 3rd wheel who thinks they are driving

(Continuing) I heard someone recently say this, but culture can rarely be untaught- if that family is used to being all over each other, they won't willingly change. It's unfair cuz they are shaping us because we're so vulnerable at this phase (as Moms, and also you and Dad as a couple) but we're not going to be able to sway them much at all. As an introvert, my advice is to discreetly find social buffers and excuses to take away some access- Mommy groups, prenatal yoga (you can say you meet on zoom on X days they tend to show up, so you're busy!) meditation, crochet, what ever! Find patenting classes to do WITH DAD so he feels some responsibility to your future child. Have a FRIEND do a small cozy shower for you and let MIL get Baby some things, or maybe one big thing- thank her profusely, even if you hate it. It'll be a new lifestyle. The acting career you never asked for. And we ended up moving across the country from her, and kiddos 3-it did not stop. You have my condolences.

Read about emotionally immature parents and having "Me Generation" grandparents. You are not alone!

I feel like I could have written this myself my mil sounds exactly the same as yours and I too hate being fussed about whether it’s bdays etc and she can’t accept that we have our own lives & we get dragged into everything. I’ve come to the realisation that my mil although comes across nice and caring, is only thinking about herself & her own happiness. Shes a complete opposite personality to me (I’m quiet reserved just wanna be left alone but she loves to be fussed over, wants attention) I think she has narcissistic traits along with being emotionally immature like someone said above. You’re not wrong to set boundaries, your feelings matter & I really hope therapy helps. It’s taken me 10 years for me to get my hubby to see how she affects us, most of our tiffs are because of her lack of respect of boundaries & I used to look like I was the awkward one not accepting her help etc. I think a lot of it is to do with how we’re brought up as I was always independent so now it’s suffocating!

I understand not wanting to feel like the center of attention. But is it that you don’t like any attention and details at all? I would’ve hated to be suffocated by an over the top MIL. But in my case she’s a bitxh. I hope you can tell your psy. How you feel about attention.

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