Am I crazy? Or is it wrong?

I will start by admitting I am not a great wife or mom. I wavered in my relationship and seeked attention from other men, but I finally put a stop to that bad behaviour and told myself I'd commit myself to my husband. We'd fight a lot about communication and our sex life, I'm awful at communicating, I literally shut down mentally in confrontation. My husband was fairly good at being open to other ways for me to communicate and I'd do it for a while and then stop and fall into old patterns of not talking about our conflicts. Sex, I stopped initiating after a years and then it became painful, I went to therapy and found that I carried stress in my pelvic area and it would tighten the muscles. My therapist also said there was probably some safety issues I wasn't addressing with my husband (then boyfriend). I didn't understand it at the time but have come to realize as much as I felt safe with him, I didn't truly feel safe because I was always the one to have to change or was the one who was wrong or bad. I told him since the beginning I wasn't sure I wanted kids, but after we got engaged we started talking more seriously about having kids, although I didn't express that I still kind of struggled with the finalization of it. We got pregnant a couple years after getting married, I was happy but I don't think I fully connected to it. I internally struggled after her birth, I expressed it once and didn't again. I became crazy insecure in myself. My husband thought I was being selfish or told me I should realize what being a mom is and became increasingly critical. I understand his side, he thought I wanted kids as badly as him and was frustrated that I wasn't doing what I should be. But then it got worse and he became angry, he hit me for the first time about 8 months after she was born. It happened a few times but I couldn't leave. We got pregnant again, I did want another one. He was physically and verbally aggressive during the pregnancy. I confided in a therapist and she called child services on us, he has never forgiven me. He now says he doesn't have a partner and everything falls on his shoulders, taking care of the house, growing vegetable gardens, raising the kids and our finances, and renovates our home by himself. I'll admit I lied about our finances a couple years ago, I used to manage them alone but I got scared to tell him about some debt and it kept snowballing and then he found out. I can admit it's unforgivable but I didn't feel safe to tell him because if I didn't buy enough food to keep our house stocked he'd get angry, if I spent a lot to get what we needed he'd get angry, so I hid it. I do struggle to connect with our kids, I now lack patience. I can't organize our home, it's become too overwhelming. I just can't get myself to do anything I'm supposed to so I can justify his anger. But I also work pretty much full time. He doesn't even seem to comprehend that he hits me (it's not often) and tells me I'll have nothing without him. I agree with him because I can see he points, I don't change even though I say I will. I lie to him often about even little things, mostly because I'm scared of telling him the truth. Am I crazy that it doesn't matter how selfish or an asshole someone is, you don't lay a hand on the person you married. I sometimes think I deserve it but then when my child looks at me and asks why I have a scratch or bruise I want to break down.