Alzheimer’s disease

I’m up nursing my 7 month old daughter back to sleep and just thinking. My daughter is the first grand child on both sides. His parents have been more vocal about wanting to be grandparents so I was excited for my future child to have both sets of grand parents in her life. Something I didn’t get to experience as a child. Our families were very excited when we told them we were expecting our first child. When his mother was diagnosed with dementia and soon after Alzheimer’s no one was surprised. The signs have been there for years but dad couldn’t/wouldn’t get her seen by a doctor. My husband is a very logical and matter of fact kind of person whereas I am definitely more emotional and sentimental. I’m mourning the fact that my daughter won’t know her other grandmother. I’m anxious about managing the disease and how it could impact my daughter. I’m sad that we can never have her spend time alone with that set of grandparents. We don’t live in the same state so we can never just drop her off with grandparents to go to dinner. My MIL’s condition is progressing quickly and my FIL is consumed by it all. He loves her and is supportive in his own way but distant. My parents check in on my daughter daily and have regular video calls with her. I have to call my in laws so that they see her. If we speak on the phone, they sometimes don’t ask about her. I know it’s because of the situation but as her mother it breaks my heart. I had high expectations because they were basically begging for grand children. I know it’s wrong but I feel cheated.

Show your support

I was a caregiver for a friend with Alzheimer’s and Dementia for 5 years, which was also through covid. She didn’t have any family as she began to decline so I took on all the work for as long as I could to share my family, help her daily, and improve the quality of life she still had. It’s not easy to experience but it is still a huge blessing that she is still around even if you’re limited with your previous expectations. You may not always see the benefits right away or in the moment with the exposure your child will still get with your in laws. It’s not always obvious in the rewards it brings to you and your family or to the person who’s experiencing the disease. You will learn to love her in such a different way. I notice how much good has come from sharing every moment I could with my friend. Sharing my family and my time was the best thing for her. She’s living in another care home now but I hope you get to appreciate how special this time is regardless of the diseases. 💖

I recently lost my father who suffered with dementia and it was really challenging especially since I was pregnant for a large portion of his decline and death. I want to acknowledge your feelings and I think it’s valid for you to grieve for the loss that your family and especially your daughter will have of grandparents. I also want to encourage you to shift your perspective if possible to one of support and empathy for your husband. While you might feel sad for your daughter and if you are close to your in laws I’m sure it’s a loss for you as well, but your husband is losing a parent. That is a profoundly difficult and mentally draining thing to experience. This post reads kind of like you’re more worried about your own feelings than your husbands and I mean that with no disrespect, I just hope that you can worry more about how hard this must be for your husband to lose a parent and try to refrain your thinking on the subject to one of support.

I’m sorry that you all are going through this and I hope you can stay strong for your husband because he is going to need your support and comfort through this difficult time more than anyone else will.

@Ryan Michelle thank you so much for sharing this experience.

@Shannon hi Shannon I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you dealt with this while pregnant. My dad suffered a stroke in 2020 I spoke to my husband about his feelings and he’s just very matter of fact about the situation. He’s helping his dad sort out bills because his mom was the person who took care of everything but otherwise is truly not affected by her diagnosis at this point. He’s not one to worry about things that haven’t happened yet because as he says, we don’t know what will happen so there is little use in worry. When she was first diagnosed my initial concern was for him, his father and his brothers. My FIL is deeply affected as he was the only one shocked by the diagnosis. The rest of us “kids” have seen the signs. Her mother also lived with Alzheimer’s. We encouraged my FIL to get her to the doctor for a while but MIL doesn’t like to go to doctors and he didn’t feel comfortable taking her against her will. Sadly this means she’s been untreated for a while.

@Shannon thank you! I will continue checking in on him. Right now it just feels like I’m carrying a lot of emotions on my own. I’ve checked in with him so many times but he assures me he’s ok. My FIL is struggling with everything right now so I try my best to keep them in touch with their grand daughter to brighten their day. My dad’s stroke left him with communication and cognitive deficits but he got very lucky. I know how hard it is to have a parent with neurological disease/damage. Of course, my MIL’s condition is progressive so I’m sure hubbys feelings may change over time. Was there anything any one did for you that was especially supportive?

@Ryan Michelle You’re such a sweet person for doing this and I really love the perspective you shared it is so true! While there is grief there are also a lot of sweet and joyful moments to be shared.

That’s true that the feelings may change over time and maybe your husbands way of coping is by putting his emotions on the back burner because he feels like he has to be the strong one for his own family. It’s good that you’re checking in on him though and I’m sorry to hear about what your dad went through but I’m so glad he made it through that. I think the best thing you can do is just try to stay close to them (I know that’s probably hard long distance) and try to give your daughter what positive interactions that you can. I’m sure for your FIL your daughter is a ray of sunshine amongst all this heartbreak. Sometimes people need that positive distraction when they’re going through such hard things. I lost my grandfather as a child and I don’t know what I missed, but you can keep her memory alive by telling your daughter stories about her as she grows up. Honestly the best thing my husband did for me was just to be my calm in the storm. I know that’s easier said than done though.

Sounds like you’re doing great and hopefully your daughter will still be able to form a bond with your FIL even if it takes some time for the dust to settle. Maybe you guys can pay them a visit a bit more often than usual? This is all a normal part of life unfortunately and one day we will all most likely lose our parents, and as hard as it is, the best we can do is try to keep their memory alive. 🫶

@Shannon thank you so much for your perspective and for not passing judgement. I didn’t want to stress my husband out with feelings he isn’t ready to process. It’s his mom so I know it’s going to be much harder on him. I am sad for everyone in our family. Since becoming a mom I feel my heart has grown 3 sizes and I find myself holding on to so much more hurt and I don’t want to overwhelm him with these thoughts and feelings as I am sure he will process in his own time. We have a family vacation with them soon. Wonderful that you have a loving supportive husband. The calm in the storm is my husband’s natural role too. Thanks again for helping me sort through these thoughts.

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